boys-and-suicide:

Pros to dating me: 

Cons to dating me: I’m insecure, hate myself, not good being social, cry a lot, sometimes hurt myself, have trust issues, and fuck things up a lot. 

(via boys-and-suicide)

The Not-So-Perfect Suicide

This is my story…
June.. I don’t remember the day but it was just the start of June, I remember getting out of school, June 6, I had a good two weeks of summer break. So maybe June 14/15 I had a horrible, horrible fight with my mom. She pushed it too far called me a bitch, you name it and I was called it. I ended up sitting in the way back of the car for 30/45 minutes just to get home. When I got home I fought the thought of cutting. I wanted something more permanent this time. I’ve attempted 4 times before this but nothing as serious. It was 10pm, I said goodnight shut my door and pulled out three bottles of sleeping medicine and one of painkillers. A lot of pills.. perfect for suicide. They’re all hidden in a box that looks like a dumb tissue box. I wasn’t thinking, I tweeted goodbye, texted my friends bye, dmed them bye, everyone knew bye meant I was doing it. I shut my phone off and started taking painkillers. Got done with that bottle fast. Next was three bottles of sleeping pills, I got done taking two and put the third one back. I felt tired and i was starting to blackout. I laid in my bed and closed my eyes.. Next thing I know I was in the hospital with 3 doctors surrounding me, my mom who didn’t give a fuck I was there, and my therapist. I could barely see it was blurry. They gave me water in every way possible, they wanted me alive. I wanted me dead, but no one cared about what I wanted. My mom left around noon but what I didn’t know was it was already two days after I took the pills. They thought I was dead. But I fucking wasn’t. After I could “eat” and drink stuff and see clearly I was taken to a rehab/recovery place where I was placed in a group with three other people. Two girls, Addilee and Jessy, one boy, Mason. You would think I would go talk to the girls right away but I didn’t. I snuck my phone from my bag at the hospital and put it in my bra. I sat in the corner farthest from everyone and the door. I sat there reading messages on twitter from people claiming they cared but to this day haven’t spoke to me ever again. My most worried friend, Maria. She was worried so bad and so was my other friend, Aubrey, I didn’t mean to hurt them but I was finally going to be happy. I never could reply without almost being caught so I simply shut my phone off and cried in that corner. Addilee and Jessy were talking up a storm and Mason sat quietly with long sleeves pulls down on the couch in that room. We were all there for reasons, suicide or self harm, maybe for both. Addilee was there for suicide attempts at home and even in the hospital, Jessy was there for support mostly but self harmed three years ago and Mason, that quiet boy was there for self harm so bad and suicide attempts. I didn’t care about Addilee and Jessy so much but they’re close friends now. I wanted to know Mason, we talked while I was there and Friday, the day he finally got to go home for a weekend after being in there for three months we hung out. We went to the river and I, as every girl would, tanned, while he took my phone and met some of my friends from twitter. They seemed to like him from the messages I got to read. He showed me his arms twice and they had cuts and scars all up them and so did his legs. He had a horrible mother, his dad died from cancer two years ago and his mom blamed him. His older brother is married with a 4 year old and a baby on the way. We each had a siblings number incase something would ever happen to us. I had his brothers he had my brothers. After hanging out I walked him home and had my sister pick me up. I went home and texted him. We had a good time that day. I went to bed with a smile on my face for once. Little did I know he wouldn’t answer the next day. We planned to go to the movies but he never showed up. Text after text after text and he never replied. Always read the messages but never replied. 3pm came and I got a call. He was in the hospital. June 24 he had officially killed himself. I spent a week with him before. Four days before he was pronounced dead and off of life support I was laughing my ass off with him. I blamed myself and I still do. That boy needed someone and maybe I wasn’t enough but I wanted to be something. I still blame myself and I always will. Ever since June 24 I haven’t felt like myself. A whole month and he’s not here. July 31 at 12am I relapsed of 70 days clean wishing that was me. Soon I won’t be here anymore because I’m going to stay with Mason and never leave him. I wanted a perfect suicide and Mason got it. After all the bullshit I went through in those two weeks I talked to Maria and Aubrey and told them everything. I still went to rehab/recovery for a few more weeks. I occasionally go now. Jessy and I aren’t so close anymore but we still talk and Addilee is still fighting her demons too. It might have been the perfect suicide for him but soon I’ll have my perfect suicide too.

scntrx:
like
I am so good at making people
believe that I am happy

i can’t believe I relapsed

How To Self Harm

dw53157:

How I feel on the inside,
Is way worse,
Than ANYTHING,
I can/will EVER,
Do to my self,
On the outside.

scntrx:

I’m so disgusted by everything. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

(via scntrx)

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